Christmas Mutant Powers

Everyday the principal of the school where I work sends an email to everyone in the faculty and staff with a "Question of The Day."  The question two days ago was the following:

Tis the season to be gifting!

If you could give just one thing to your

students/faculty/peers/school

what would it be?

I don't normally respond to these questions for various reasons (the main one being that my office computer at the school is probably operating at the same speed of a Windows 98 computer and it's not worth the hassle of sitting around for 5 minutes trying to open a second email).  However, seeing as it is the holiday season, and I was looking to avoid work, I thought I'd take the time to write a thoughtful response.

I would give them the Christmas miracle of Santa’s sleigh flying overhead…and having the sudden burst of energy from his reindeer taking off from the continental United States (in order to reach Europe in time for his Christmas Eve appointments) send out an electromagnetic pulse across the land that would wipe out all computer systems, electronic devices, and social networking websites (that one is for the kids), so we could all have a holiday free from appointments, stress, unwanted constant cell phone “Merry Christmas” and “Happy New Year” messages on our Blackberrys and smart phones (followed by the obligatory, “Why aren’t you responding?” messages…),  and holiday TV advertisements that for some reason ALWAYS seem louder than the TV show I’m currently watching, or casually trying to ignore as background white noise as I try not to think of the gifts I forgot to get, or all of life’s responsibilities in general.  Then, in the buzzing peace left in the wake of Santa’s fluctuating magnetic field, we would all remember the true meaning of Christmas: PEACE ON EARTH & GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN…and just one quiet moment to ourselves, or with our loved ones.  AND, as an added fringe benefit, I bet the gamma rays left over from Santa’s sleigh’s explosion would give us magical Christmas mutant powers.  Who wouldn’t want that?

I got a response back from someone in the mass chain who wanted to know if his/her Christmas mutant powers could include flying?  I wrote the following response to that:

I’ll contact the North Pole’s envoy at the United Nations and see if he can get his country the freedom to develop an elf-run nuclear program without fear of diplomatic sanctions.  Their scientists have told me they can install a portable nuclear reactor in Santa’s sleigh and it could be up-and-running by the end of the week.  You should be flying by Boxing Day.  Warning: I’m told the side effects include smelling of peppermint bark and leaving a red-and-white candy vapor trail everywhere you go when in flight.

With work properly avoided in the moments it took me to write those responses I think that all was put right with the world. 

Merry Christmas everyone, and enjoy your new mutant powers!