Wednesday, July 18, 2012

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (A REVIEW)

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Thursday, June 21, 2012

On The Weight of Teaching

I do some of my best writing in response to Facebook status updates. Maybe it's because the questions, statements, etc., are engaging and thought provoking, or maybe it's because I'm trying to avoid doing work connected with a current job and I put my best work into procrastinating...? Anyway, a friend of mine wrote today:


*climbs onto soapbox* With regard to NCLB and the general blame our country puts on teachers' shoulders: "It's simple arithmetic: (a) child spends 900 hours a year in school and 7,800 hours outside of school. Which teacher has the bigger influence? Where is more time available for change?" -Jim Trelease


I responded with the following:


In orientation for teaching, and our constant meetings throughout the year, officials from school and administration kept saying things like, "YOU are the most influential teacher in that child's life. Their education is YOUR responsibility." During these meetings some of us understandably looked around the room in a confused way. I don't know about everyone else, but I was wondering, "Really? Not the parents? And THEIR education is MY responsibility? Funny...as a STUDENT I was always told it was my responsibility and not the teacher's." I will save the details, but I have seen behavior from students, some members of administrators, and (more often than anyone else) parents that kept consistently putting the blame of a student's lack of progress squarely on the shoulders of teachers. Where is the first person responsibility of the student? Where are the parents who should be, if not taking more of an active part in their kids' education, saying their child simply needs to learn how to be a better student.

There are a lot of other factors at play here, what with the state of the economy, lack of families' abilities to spend quality time together, broken homes because of money issues (I've had a few like that already), developmental disorders, etc, but the main, number 1 problem is everyone wants to put the blame, the effort of lifting the load, and the actual learning (for some bizarre reason) onto the teacher. Not only is that not fair, it's an absurdity.

Also, the new administration has suggested some new policies that will take us away from the horrid stupidities of No Child Left Behind and toward some new methodologies...and some old and NEW challenges that squarely blame teachers. They still involve massive amounts of standardized tests and, consequently, simply teaching toward a test and not in hope of actually learning the principals behind a lesson. Something they have also suggested are individual lesson plans for each student. That's right, not just lesson plans for an entire class, but lesson plans thought out, written, and carried out for each-and-every student. And who is supposed to come up with these lesson plans? And write them? And spend extra time prepping for every last individual student with extra man hours like a strange sort of personal assistant?

The teacher.

Whether or not this is implemented is still in question. If it is, it is a step in the wrong direction. I think the idea of something like individual lesson plans is a nice idea of crafting lessons in order to work with each student from where he or she is coming to the work, in terms of ability to understand/comprehension, display learning, etc. As a theatre/acting teacher I'm well accustomed to working in this vein. I craft general lessons and work with students in implementing their own ways of working in creating actions, tactics, overall characters, scenes, and whole narratives this way. Sometimes the work can even implement their shortcomings or challenges as part of the process. That is, in essence, the work of an actor. It is a way of working that can be implemented into any and all subject areas, but not in the same way, and, frankly, I would not formally craft an individual lesson plan for each student in my field. Part of the way I teach, and a part of my pedagogy is putting the responsibility of learning squarely on the student's shoulders. I live by the a certain teaching philosophy that says, "It is my job to give you, and teach you how to use, the tools to succeed. As the student it is your decision as to whether or not you use them, or devise new ways to use them." I feel administrations (local, state, and federal) should turn back toward students and families and say, "What are YOU going to do?"

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Albee & Me

I came upon a link to an article on a friend's Facebook site today. It's about Edward Albee and how he angered a translator named Joan Sellent. The article is called "Edward Albee: How to piss off a translator" by Ellie Robins on the Melville House Books website.

I posted a response to my friend's link, which I also posted as a response to the article, and I also felt like sharing it here. It's a short, true story about an interaction I had with Edward Albee back in 2003 that also states, briefly, my thoughts about how he treated this, and other, translators.


Enjoy!


- SDM



I call total B.S.! And...maybe partial responsibility for this.

I was in grad school at Southern Methodist University in 2003 when Edward Albee had come to our campus to accept an award from The Meadows School for the Arts. The school had planned several days of workshops and talks with Albee in order to give the students a chance to have time to learn something from America's greatest living playwrights. During one such meeting Albee said to an assembly of all of the students from the theatre department, "I make sure ALL of the major premieres of ALL of my plays are done EXACTLY as I wrote them to the word, to the letter, and to the punctuation. There has never been a premiere done of one of my plays for which I didn't do this." Shortly after that statement he opened up the assembly to questions.

I was the first one to raise my hand and asked, "Do you speak German?"

Albee looked confused and said, "What...?"

I repeated the question and added, "I'm just curious. Do you speak German?"

He said, "No. What does that have to do with anything?"

"You don't?" I said.

Albee repeated, "No. I just said that."

Then I said, "Well, then I'm confused."

"About what?" Albee said, looking somewhat annoyed with me.

"Well," I said, "didn't your first play, THE ZOO STORY, originally premiere in Berlin, Germany?"

There was a long silence. Albee stared at me (or what felt like THROUGH me) and said, "Yes. Yes it did."

I asked, "Was it performed in an English language theatre?"

Albee answered, "No. No it wasn't."

So then I asked, "Did you go through it line-by-line with someone?"

"No. No I didn't." Albee replied.

Finally I asked, "So what did you do?"

There was a long pause during which it seemed like Albee considered his answer and said, "I just trusted my translator and director."

Albee answered questions for the rest of that first assembly that weekend, but he kept on glancing (actually...GLARING) back at me. I think I angered him with my cheeky line of questioning. There was then a lunch arranged for the whole student body of the theatre department in honor of Mr. Albee.

Friends of mine in the department came up to me and said things like, "You have got some nerve! Where did you come up with that question?!"

I answered to one, who later became a close friend, "Well, I once dated a translator. She was really adamant about what her work meant to her, what went into it, etc. and felt that playwrights sometimes ignored her work and didn't honor it. I felt like he wasn't doing that."

I was clearly gloating...maybe a little too loudly.

It was a buffet style lunch when one of my teachers (I'll call that person R.B. here) said, "Maybe you want to sit over here, Mark?" This professor escorted me to a table that felt like it was one the other side of the room away from everyone else, and, most of all, away from Albee.

"Great," I thought, "I've been exiled! I should have kept my mouth shut, I guess..."

Shortly after that, R.B. escorted Albee to the same circular table where I was seated and sat him directly across from me. R.B looked at me, lightly smiled, and then walked away. Albee and I caught eyes for a second, looked away from each other and proceeded to eat our lunch. Other students quickly swarmed in to sit at the same table and started launching questions at him about career, how he liked Dallas, his writing process, etc.

One of my colleagues from my grad class, in the middle of one of her questions, for some reason, stopped and said, "How rude of me. I keep talking and asking questions." She looked at me and said, "Mark, do you have any additional questions for Mr. Albee?"

There was a long silence during which all those seated at this circular table turned to me and waited for what I would say. I also remember Albee carefully putting down his silverware in a very determined fashion and staring at me as I said, "Yeah...uh...can you pass the rolls?" He reached over to the rolls, which were in a basket on his side of the table, passed them to someone to his right, who then passed them to me. I said, "Thank you." Albee continued staring at me, pressed his lips together and just nodded a few times in silence. I said nothing else and the other students started firing questions at him again.

My friend who turned the questioning over to me came up to me immediately after lunch and said, "'Can you pass the rolls?!' That's all you could think to ask?!"

I said, "What? They were on his side of the table. How else was I supposed to get them? I'm also fairly sure he wanted to kill me for my other question."

If I didn't drive Albee to this policy of totally disrespecting a translator, then I am certain I was fairly instrumental in cementing it in his mind as a good policy to shut-up young, impertinent scamps like myself.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

MORE RESPONSES TO OXYGEN...& MORE!

With the first of two weeks of Oxygen performances at Taffety Punk behind us it's time to write another update.

Although the numbers attending our show have been small, the general response from audience members has been overwhelmingly positive (and I should know, I've spoken to just about every audience member who has attended...save a choice few). Also, a bunch of people have been posting responses to the show on Facebook and Twitter. I posted some of the initial responses in my previous blog post called, FIRST REACTIONS TO OXYGEN. Since then several more people have posted to public forums, social networking sites, and blogs/web publications about Oxygen. Probably the most flattering, and thoughtful, response came from playwright Liz Maestri who posted an article called, "FutureSound: dirty, violent theater comes to DC," to a web publication called The Pink Line Project. Follow the link and give it a read. It has some great insight into our production, as well as the DC theater scene in general.

A fairly positive, and somewhat rambling, review has also been posted to DC Theatre Scene, and you can follow the link if such things interest you. I know it's not cool for an actor to admit he reads reviews of his shows, but...whatever. It's not an overwhelmingly emotional celebration of our show, but the guy seemed to overall like it. So...there.

Other things that might prove more useful for you if you're considering coming to the Capitol Hill Arts Workshop (CHAW) to see Oxygen might be things like production photos and sounds from the show. Teresa Castracane did the photography for the show during our final dress rehearsal and, if you have access to Facebook, photos from our production can be found HERE. There are a lot of great images and she really did an excellent job of capturing the aesthetic and feel of the show. Also, Marcus Kyd, artistic director of Taffety Punk, has started posting music from the show to the internet! If you don't already know, the show is broken up into ten tracks, much like a CD, and each track has music written by different DC area bands and artists to create a totally unique soundscape. Track 8, The Pearl, by The Inexhaustible Chalice, was just posted this week. Give it a listen to get a taste of some of the music in the show.

Again, individual audience members I've spoken to have been incredibly positive about the show. Here's an example of just some of the additional responses that have been posted on Facebook and Twitter:


I went to Oxygen @TaffetyPunk tonight. @MarekKrawczyk & Esther Williamson were terrific.
- Richard Byrne, playwright (Twitter handle - @BalkansBohemia

Support this incredibly creative group and run-don't-walk to see this beautifully realized, lyrical, hard-hitting, insanely well-acted trajectorial (if that's a word) exploration of the human condition in these chaotic times. The simple actors toolbox of really talking and really listening gleamed like the polished edge of a switchblade.
- Howard Wahlberg, actor

Saw it last night. An amazing experience. Excellent work! Don't miss it!
- Molly Moores, actor

This show is so amazingly thought provoking on a personal level- you'll [love] it- incredible actors! So well staged!
- Eliza Kelly, actor

Congratulations to Marcus Kyd, Lise Bruneau and Taffety Punk for tackling such an on-the-fringe play as Oxygen.
- John Moletress, Theatre Director

More OXYGEN please!! Only a few more [performances] of Taffety Punk's high energy punk-Euro-performance-piece (ends May 19). Full-throttle performances by Esther Williamson & Mark Krawczyk backed by dj Dan Crane w/ music by likes of locals Edie Sedgwick, The Caribbean, The Gena Rowlands Band, local electro-punker Jupiter Rex & Kathy Cashel. No singing here & not really a play, but it's something along the lines of a Hedwig & the Angry Inch confessional that fans of Black Cat DC & DC9 Nightclub [would definitely] love too.
- Michael Kyrioglou, Theatre Communications Manager for theatreWashington 

Perhaps the most gratifying feedback of all came from one of my acting students from George Washington Carver Center for Arts & Technology. He and his parents loved the show and kept me in rapt conversation for about 15 minutes after the show discussing the strength of the acting, the visual imagery, and the various philosophical theories present throughout the text of Oxygen. Also, knowing they came down all the way from Baltimore County, Maryland to Washington DC just to see me in the show was the most gratifying thing about last night's performance...especially after an exhausting two show day.

The process itself has been exhausting, but really rewarding. Esther Williamson and I have been working on this show for about 5 months now (yes...you read that right...5 MONTHS), along with Danny Crane who joined us as our DJ about midway through the process, and we, along with our directors and the rest of the company would really love to see more of you come out and check out what we think is a really rich, engrossing, thought-provoking, kick-ass, cool, and FUN show. For myself this is the culmination of 5 YEARS, or so, of thinking about Oxygen ever since it was handed to me by Professor Robyn Quick during a brief meeting at Towson University a while back. I wouldn't have held onto the script for so long if I didn't think it was something special, and I hope all of you reading this have a chance to come out and check out the show and see just how wonderful I think it is...as well as a true artistic collaboration among performance, visual, and musical artists. 

Come on out to see Oxygen

You'll be glad you did.

Go to www.taffetypunk.com for ticket information.




ADDITIONAL BLOG POSTS FROM ME ON OXYGEN:

Thursday, May 10, 2012

FIRST REACTIONS TO OXYGEN

Hey Everyone, 


These are just a few of the public postings, and one message received by company members, in response to our first few performances of Oxygen by Ivan Vyrypaev at Taffety Punk. We're trying to get people in the door so excuse me if I'm a bit shameless about putting these together to view in one place.  Most of these were posted publicly on the Oxygen event page on Facebook, directly onto my FB page, and one was a message to company members of the production.  


Please come see our show and share your experience with your friends, family, colleagues, and anyone who might be interested in seeing it!  Go to http://www.taffetypunk.com/ for details.


- M




I felt like I [was] in the catacombs under the streets of Edinburgh.
It was a surreal sensation.
Am I really in washington?
Taffety Punk has created some high art!!
It's scary... 
- Victor Shargai, Chairman of the theatreWashington Board of Directors


There are so few places in town at which you can see work like this. Taffety Punk, Lise Bruneau, Mark Krawczyk, and Esther Williamson (and so many others, including Marcus Kyd) have made a demanding, brain-expanding, musical/poetic piece of theater that will stay with you for some time.
- Gwydion Suilebhan, playwright


Oxygen. Awesome Opening! You gotta see this show if you are in DC. 
- Christopher Ham, lighting designer


Oxygen is truly an amazing and thought provoking experience. The music, stage set and sheer talent of Ms. Williamson, Mr. [Krawczyk] accompanied by their "Chorus" the DJ Dan Crane is definitely "21st Century."
- Liane Kerry


I haven't worked out how/why exactly, but I saw the preview and it turned my brain into scrambled eggs and you should see it.
- John Stange, local DC actor


Thank you.  That show gives me hope for the state of modern theater.  It is what I want to see -- not because I know people in it, or feel loyalty to a company, or because this is what my social scene has become in the years since college.  All of the elements were awesome, and I am pleased to have spent my precious night off having that experience.  It's a genuinely creative piece that takes risks and gets uncomfortably in your face.  I wish that I could see it several more times, but will have to be content with being grateful that I was able to participate in it tonight.
- Anonymous friend in a message to members of Taffety Punk

Thursday, March 15, 2012

is everything I do just written on water?

Reading through Hotel Cassiopeia by Charles Mee, which I'm working on with my freshman tomorrow morning in class.  I come across this passage by the character Joseph and realize it's somewhat about me (somewhat...only...somewhat...):


JOSEPH
I work in the basement.
That's where I keep all my materials
for my work.
And I think:
What am I doing?
I've lost my way
why don't I give it up?
there are times I get so lost
I don't know what to do
I've gone so deep, so far
I don't know if I'll ever find my way out again
and then: what's the point?
is this useful?
does anyone care?
I get up in the morning
some days I just weep and weep
is everything I do just written on water?
but what else can I do?
just because another artist is incredibly famous
doesn't mean his work is destined to fall
into oblivion in another generation
and my work will endure
is this any way to spend a life?
I'm living my life in a basement. 



I look at the line, "is everything I do just written on water?" over and over again...


I think of it too much.


It's times like these my mind turns to fantasies.


There are times all I want to do is hide with a loved one in a small town near a body of water I can swim in.


What type of body of water?


A creek?


Too small.  One can barely wade in a creek, let alone swim.


A river?


All the ones I know of are far too polluted.  I dream of jogging next to rivers instead, like that river in Poland I jogged next to in May of 2011.


A lake?


Lakes are fine...I guess...but don't really have tides.  I want something that ebbs and flows.


An ocean?


It certainly ebbs and flows...but...too big.  I dream of being swallowed up by a tsunami before I can swim safely back to shore.


A sea...


It's not even a question.  A sea.  I want a sea.  It's the perfect size.  It has tides.  It has a pebble beach (at least the one in my head does) and meets up with sand somewhere on the coast line.


Eh.


Whatever...


I should stop reading esoteric poetic playwrighting.


However, this passage from later in the play is nice:


JOSEPH
Still,
if I were to say anything to you
it would be:
do what you love
not what you think you should do
or what you think is all you can do
what you think is possible for you
no
do what you love
and let the rest follow along behind it
or not
or not
because
even if it doesn't follow along behind
you will have done what you've loved
and you know what that is
you know better than anyone what you love
and a life centered around your love
cannot be wrong
cannot finally be disappointing 



I have too much in common with this guy.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Alex & The Plumber

On June 23, 2010 a friend of mine posted a status update on Facebook that read:

"What a way to start the day.. 8am and the plumber arrived... and not the cute one." 

I was watching the World Cup and waiting for the USA vs. Algeria game to start, had time to kill, and so I wrote the following sketch as a response.


(Knock on the door. Alex comes in the room with a wrench in her hand. She’s about to answer the door when she notices she’s still holding the wrench. She looks around for a place to hide it and settles on the cushions of the couch. She checks how she looks in the mirror before answering the door.) 

ALEX: Oh hi, Chris! 

(PAUSE) 

ALEX: You’re not Chris. 

(Beat) 

PLUMBER: No ma’am. I’m Earl. Chris is on vacation. 

ALEX: Oh... 

PLUMBER: You seem disappointed. 

ALEX: No. No! 

(Pause) 

PLUMBER: You called someone to um...”clean your pipes?” 

ALEX: No. No! Me? God no! You must be...uh...hm...uh...could you...come back...you know...as someone else...and cuter? 

PLUMBER: Ma'am. I wasn't making a sexual advance. 

ALEX: I know, I mean, it’s just that Chris is usually who comes over, and I was expecting Chris, and you’re not Chris, and Chris usually takes his coffee with a touch of Hazelnut creamer, but not too much because it makes it too sweet, so he tops the rest off with 2% milk, and I made that, and Chris was running late today, so I was thinking I might have to toss that out and make more fresh coffee in the French press, because Chris is usually content with that instant stuff, but I don’t think a man who works as hard as he does should just settle on crap coffee, so I make him the good stuff, you know, like Zeke’s Coffee Mobtown Espresso, which is this Italian style Espresso that’s a 3 bean blend and is roasted to create a traditional dark, rich and smooth espresso with great…crema…and Chris was really liking that the last time he was here, and so when he left the last time I just remembered that the next time Chris was here I should have more of that on hand, and so today I made that like three times to get it just right, and I was expecting Chris, but Chris didn’t show up, and it was you…uh… 

PLUMBER: …Earl. 

ALEX: EARL! Right…and now all that coffee is going to go to waste because Chris is not here, and after he came the last time I had found him on Facebook and he has a girlfriend, and he has “in a relationship" as his status, I hate those "in a relationship" people, but I thought, you know, Chris still likes coffee, and I have coffee, good coffee, and I know how to make good coffee, not like “Gina,” and so I called you guys because I just happened to have a problem and I thought, “How perfect, I have coffee, Chris likes coffee, and I can give him some good coffee,” and then you showed up. 

(Pause) 


PLUMBER: So...can I clean...uh...work on...uh...fix...um...Jesus. Can I come in and just check your pipes? 

ALEX: Why? 

PLUMBER: Ma'am... 

ALEX: Yes? 

PLUMBER: I can see the raw sewage on your kitchen floor from here. 

ALEX: So...? 

PLUMBER: Ma'am, it's actually a public health issue. I have to work on those pipes. 

(Pause) 

PLUMBER: Now... 

(Long pause) 

ALEX: Uh... 

(Longer pause) 

ALEX: So the cute one is not coming? 

(Beat) 

PLUMBER: Are you talking about Chris? 

ALEX: Yes. 

PLUMBER: He's out until next Monday. 

ALEX: Not this coming Monday, but the following...? 

PLUMBER: Yes! Can I fix the raw sewage leaking pipe? 

(Beat) 

ALEX: I can wait for Chris.

Later I added two or three more scenes, titled it Alex & The Plumber, and submitted it to a 10 minute play festival or two, and finally got a response today from a theatre company.


Dear Mark,
We’d like to thank you for the time and energy you put into crafting a play for the [fill in theatre company's name here] fourth annual ten minute play festival. We received an overwhelming number of submissions this year. Unfortunately, we only have the time and resources to produce a small fraction of the wonderful plays we received. Regrettably, we are unable to commit to producing your submitted play in this year’s festival.
We sincerely enjoyed reading  Alex and the Plumber and thought it had great potential for comedy, including one of our favorite lines, "I can see the raw sewage on your kitchen floor from here." We genuinely hope we get the chance to work with you in some capacity in the future. We understand intimately how difficult it is to allow others to review one’s work and we applaud your courage. Thank you again for submitting your work to the festival.



Sincerely,

[fill in the name of theatre company again]
Although I never thought of it as a fully finished, well-crafted piece, I did hope it would get produced...even if it was by a local company. Ah well. Such is life. It figures a rejection should come on the day I went and did some background work on a feature film called Jamesy Boy with Mary Louise Parker in it. I also saw her on set...and then realized I lost my black hat...my kaszket. My father got me the hat about 5 or 6 years ago in Poland. I loved that stupid hat...and now it's gone...just like the feeling in the ends of my fingers was gone after standing around in the freezing cold for the better part of two hours. Such a glamorous life... Still, I like this silly little play, even if it isn't the world's greatest, and it can't seem to find a home, like my hat which lost its home. I know. Ridiculous.


Anyway, I figured I'd post my play here in hopes someone wants to read it, to see how it developed (a bit) beyond that one scene, and whether it has potential to develop beyond. It's silly...as silly as it's first scene, and gets even sillier. Hope you enjoy it if you happen to read the whole thing. It's probably no longer than a Saturday Night Live sketch. Enjoy.







ALEX & THE PLUMBER


by


MARK KRAWCZYK










CAST


ALEX


EARL


CHRIS










(Knock on the door.  ALEX comes in the room with an enormous wrench in her hand.  She’s about to answer the door when she notices she’s still holding the wrench.  She looks around for a place to hide it and settles on the cushions of the couch.  She checks how she looks in the mirror before answering the door.)


ALEX:  Oh hi, Chris! 


(PAUSE)


ALEX:  You’re not Chris.


(Beat)


EARL:  No ma’am.  I’m Earl.  Chris is on vacation.


ALEX:  Oh...


EARL:  You seem disappointed.


ALEX:  No.  No!  


(Pause)


EARL: You called someone to um...”clean your pipes?”


ALEX: No. No! Me? God no! You must be...uh...hm...uh...could you...come back...you know...as someone else...and cuter?  


EARL: Ma'am. I wasn't making a sexual advance.


ALEX:  I know, I mean, it’s just that Chris is usually who comes over, and I was expecting Chris, and you’re not Chris, and Chris usually takes his coffee with a touch of Hazelnut creamer, but not too much because it makes it too sweet, so he tops the rest off with 2% milk, and I made that, and Chris was running late today, so I was thinking I might have to toss that out and make more fresh coffee in the French press, because Chris is usually content with that instant stuff, but I don’t think a man who works as hard as he does should just settle on crap coffee, so I make him the good stuff, you know, like Zeke’s Coffee Mobtown Espresso, which is this Italian style Espresso that’s a 3 bean blend and is roasted to create a traditional dark, rich and smooth espresso with great…crema…and Chris was really liking that the last time he was here, and so when he left the last time I just remembered that the next time Chris was here I should have more of that on hand, and so today I made that like three times to get it just right, and I was expecting Chris, but Chris didn’t show up, and it was you…uh…


EARL: …Earl.


ALEX:  EARL!  Right…and now all that coffee is going to go to waste because Chris is not here, and after he came the last time I had found him on Facebook and he has a girlfriend, and he has “in a relationship" as his status, I hate those "in a relationship" people, but I thought, you know, Chris still likes coffee, and I have coffee, good coffee, and I know how to make good coffee, not like “Gina,” and so I called you guys because I just happened to have a problem and I thought, “How perfect, I have coffee, Chris likes coffee, and I can give him some good coffee,” and then you showed up.


(Pause)




EARL: So...can I clean...uh...work on...uh...fix...um...Jesus. Can I come in and just check your pipes?

ALEX: Why?

EARL: Ma'am...

ALEX: Yes?

EARL: I can see the raw sewage on your kitchen floor from here.

ALEX: So...?

EARL: Ma'am, it's actually a public health issue. I have to work on those pipes.

(Pause)

EARL: Now...

(Long pause)

ALEX: Uh...

(Longer pause)

ALEX: So the cute one is not coming?

(Beat)

EARL: Are you talking about Chris?

ALEX: Yes.

EARL: He's out until next Monday.

ALEX: Not this coming Monday, but the following...?

EARL: Yes! Can I fix the raw sewage leaking pipe?

(Beat)

ALEX: I can wait for Chris.  


EARL:  Ma'am?


ALEX:  Yes?


EARL:  Are we going to have a problem?  


ALEX:  I don't know.  Are we...?


(BLACKOUT.)


SCENE 2


(Alex and Earl are half naked on the couch.  Alex is smoking a cigarette.  Earl reaches under the cushions of the couch and finds the wrench.)


EARL:  Well...that was unexpected.


ALEX:  What...?  (Sees the wrench and takes it from him.)  Are you still here?  Why couldn't I have waited for Chris?


(Pause)


EARL:  (Softly sings.)  And there’s a rose in the fisted glove and the eagle flies with the dove... And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re...


ALEX:  (Stops him singing.)  Alright.  You'll do.


EARL:  So...I can stay?


(Beat)


ALEX:  Yes.  You can stay.


(Beat)


EARL:  And I can clean your pipes?


ALEX:  You already have.


EARL:  Not those pipes.


(Beat)


ALEX:  OH!  Right...right.  (Handing him the wrench.)  Yes.  You can clean my pipes.


(BLACKOUT.)




SCENE 3


(Same living room.  Now present is a photo of Earl, in plumber's outfit under a tuxedo, with Alex, in the same dress she wore in Scenes 1 and 2, and their three children...their three ugly (very ugly) children.  Alex suspiciously enters the room with the wrench.  She stops in the room and looks at the wrench.  Earl comes in through the front door without her noticing.  He watches her as she stares at the wrench and nods.  She moves.)


EARL:  Alex?


ALEX:  (Quickly hiding the wrench behind her back.)  Earl!  Darling!  What are you doing...here?


EARL:  What are you doing here?  


(Pause.) 


EARL:  Were you...were you going to destroy the pipes?


ALEX:  I...uh...


(Pause.)


EARL:  You still love him.  


ALEX:  What?  Who?


EARL:  Chris!


ALEX:  Don't be silly.  I was just...


EARL:  You were going to destroy the pipes, make a service call, and get Chris over here!


ALEX:  No...I...


EARL:  I know about the coffee.


(Beat)


ALEX:  What?


EARL:  The coffee.  His coffee!  His coffee with a touch of Hazelnut creamer, but not too much because it makes it too sweet, so he tops the rest off with 2% milk, and it's the good stuff, you know, like Zeke’s Coffee Mobtown Espresso, which is that Italian style Espresso that’s a 3 bean blend and is roasted to create a traditional dark, rich and smooth espresso with great...crema.  That coffee.You think I haven't seen you making it in the last few weeks?  You think I haven't smelled it while I was in the shower smelling great coffee as I'm drying off afterward, but knowing you've been tossing it down the sink the moment before I enter the room?  And then you hand me that instant crap?  


ALEX:  I haven't...


EARL:  I know it for a fact.


ALEX:  You can't prove it.


EARL:  Alex, I've checked the pipes.


ALEX:  You...you what?


EARL:  I...I checked the pipes.


ALEX:   You...


EARL:  Yes!  I opened up the pipes underneath the sinks, looked inside, and found the remains of the grounds of the Zeke's coffee you've been using.  


ALEX:  Those grounds don't prove anything.  They could be any kind of coffee and...


EARL:  Alex, please stop lying.  It belittles us both.  I do the plumbing for a lot of people, a lot of powerful, smart people.  I took the grounds to a local chemist who's pipes I adjusted and fixed (for a good price) and he agreed to analyze the grounds for me in his laboratory...and he told me they were, in fact, those very same grounds you use to make Chris's coffee.


ALEX:  That sounds awfully complicated.  Is that true?


EARL:  Who cares if it's true.  I can tell by your eyes right now that it is!  


ALEX:  Oh, Earl I...I...I...it's true!


(Pause.)


EARL:  Why, Alex?  Why?  We've built a life together.  We got past the raw sewage smell that was here the first few months.


ALEX:  IT'S STILL HERE!


EARL:  Sure, it's still here, but we got used to it.  It's only when we take a breath, a deep breath, that we really notice it, like the smell of feces in the primate house in the zoo!  At first it's overwhelming, but you get used to it, and you only notice it when you take a deep breath again.  Still, that's what marriages are like; just like the half-life stink of raw sewage, and the smell of the primate house, we started out with stink on us, but we got used to the stink from our awkward beginning.  So the solution is never take too deep a breath, or else the old stink overwhelms you.  We got to just keep breathing normally and not breathe in all that old crap again.  (Beat.)  


ALEX:  I don't know...


EARL:  Look!  (Grabs the photo of the family.)  We have built a family.  We have children!  Three children.


ALEX:  Three ugly (very ugly) children!


EARL:  Sure!  Sure they're ugly (very ugly) children, but their our children!  We raised them!  We brought them up in this raw sewage stained place where we first met and conceived them, and that might have doomed them to a life of total disability, but we can't change the past.  We have to accept our past mistakes in order to build a brighter future.  We've long ago cleaned out the raw sewage.  It's just the smell that's left...and maybe some trace elements of some other caustic materials, but for the most part our lives are now clean.  Please.  Don't throw away all the effort we put into our lives.  Don't destroy what we've cleaned up by covering it in fresh shit.  Please.  I beg of you.


(Long pause)


ALEX:  I...


(The front door explodes open.  It's Chris.)


CHRIS:  Alex?!  Alex!


ALEX:  Chris?!


CHRIS:  (Not seeing Earl.)  Alex, I've missed you.  Every time I came here for my weekly service call to clean up your absurd messes while you were wearing your more-than-revealing negligees I longed to tell you how I pined for you every time I went home to my awful girlfriend, Gina.  I stayed faithful to her only out of a deep-seeded Catholic upbringing that encouraged me to be faithful to my first love.  And despite her wonderful posture, gorgeous face, heaving breasts, and melodious laugh, all of it, over time, started to seem ugly to me.  Her posture, no matter how straight and elegant, seemed like an old craggy woman, or witch, her gorgeous face like a door mat I wouldn't wipe my feet on, and her laugh started to sound like the hoarse laugh of a streetside meth addict...all because she wasn't you...and she didn't know how to make that wonderful, wonderful coffee!  You know the coffee?  The coffee.  My coffee!  My coffee with a touch of Hazelnut creamer, but not too much because it makes it too sweet, so I could top the rest off with 2% milk, and it's the good stuff, you know, like Zeke’s Coffee Mobtown Espresso, which is that Italian style Espresso that’s a 3 bean blend and is roasted to create a traditional dark, rich and smooth espresso with great...crema.  That coffee.  I thought of the smell of that coffee every time I looked at our children, our three gorgeous (very gorgeous) children, and realized they weren't the children I could of had with you, and, from the looks of your wonderful hips, the children we could still have!  So, I've come back here, not a service call to clean your pipes...but on a personal service call...to clean.  Your.  Pipes.  What do you say?!


(Pause.)


EARL:  Ahem...


CHRIS:  (Seeing Earl.)  Earl?  What are you doing here?  Service call?  (Beat.  To Alex.)  Have you been bringing Earl out here on service calls?!  (Chris notices the photo.)  Oh...oh...you two are...and you have three ug...uh...children.  


EARL:  Yeah.


ALEX:  Yeah...


(Long pause.)


CHRIS:  I don't care!  Alex!  I still love you!  Run away with me.  Run away from Earl, his prosaic metaphors, which I assume he still uses, his propensity for 1970s rock love songs, and his eternal devotion to wearing that plumber's outfit.  Run away from this home, the raw sewage after-smell I can clearly detect, and your three children...your three ugly (very ugly) children.  Come away with me!


(Pause)


EARL:  You can go, Alex.  Do what you must do...for you.  I'll understand.


CHRIS:  Yes, Alex!  Come with me!


(Pause.)


ALEX:  No, Chris.  I'll stay.


CHRIS:  You'll stay?


ALEX:  Yes.


CHRIS:  But...but it smells here.  It's clearly still unsanitary even though there is no site of raw sewage.  And your children are ugly...so very, very ugly.


ALEX:  All of that may be true, but I am staying.


CHRIS:  Oh well...


ALEX:  Go home, Chris.  Go home to your wife, your gorgeous children, and your glorious life.  Go home and realize what you have.


CHRIS:  But I don't know what I have!


ALEX:  Well, I'm not the one who can help you with that.  Only you can.  (Sings.) And there’s a rose in the fisted glove and the eagle flies with the dove... And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re...


(Beat.)


CHRIS:  I see.  You're a lucky man, Earl.


EARL:  I know.


CHRIS:  Goodbye, Earl.


EARL:  Goodby, Chris.


CHRIS:  Goodbye, Alex.


ALEX:  Goodbye, Chris.


(Chris leaves.)


EARL:  Thank you for staying.


(Beat.)


ALEX:  Would you clean my pipes?


(Earl grabs the wrench.  He walks toward the kitchen.)


EARL:  Okay.


(Alex stops him.  Takes the wrench.  Tosses it aside.)


ALEX:  Not those pipes, silly.


EARL:  Oh...  OH!  Yes.  Yes, I will clean.  Your.  Pipes.  Gladly!


(THE END)